<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Legendary Infinite Showers by Ozuzo</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28701645">Legendary Infinite Showers</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ozuzo/pseuds/Ozuzo'>Ozuzo</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Homestuck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Compliant, Character Study, Developing Relationship, Drinking, Earth C (Homestuck), Fanart, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Illustrations, Introspection, M/M, Making Up, Miscommunication, Porn with Feelings, The Homestuck Epilogues</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 08:55:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>15,161</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28701645</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ozuzo/pseuds/Ozuzo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>All showers Dirk takes are—by definition—legendary and infinite. Sometimes a vanishing act from sheer loneliness, a quiet time or a single outburst of vulnerability and genuineness in his otherwise fabricated selfhood. A lot of times, moments to share with Jake, or—in his absence—to think about him.</p><p>Here’s a glimpse of Dirk and Jake’s relationship through the ups and downs over the years.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jake English/Dirk Strider</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>84</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>DirkJake Big Bang 2k21, hs fanfic recommendations</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. I.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Illustrations by: <a href="https://www.instagram.com/nethergloss">Nethergloss</a></p><p>Thanks to <a href="https://www.instagram.com/nethergloss">Nethergloss</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tomatograter">Tomatograter</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/yesfir">Yesfir</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/akgerhardt">Akgerhardt</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sylph_of_Breath">Sylph of Breath</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brennan4">Brennan4</a> and <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/what_hasnt_been_taken_yet/">What_hasnt_been_taken_yet</a> for helping me out so much!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p>
<p>Dirk left his shades by the sink and hastily dropped the rest of his clothes onto the floor. He stepped into the shower cubicle. It was only when the—humanly impossible—hot water hit him that he allowed himself to groan in frustration. Jake English could do that to people, as did Dirk’s own responder. Incidentally he had just talked to them both. One conversation had been packed with stagnant innuendo and questionable—"all in good fun"—gay jokes and the other with not quite sincere (but not quite dishonest either) <em> self-</em>slander. It was the ordinary, really, but this time it hurt.</p>
<p>He raised his head as the water trickled down his face, closing his eyes and leaning into the contact as if he was being caressed. He snorted, so he had reached that level of touch deprivation. He couldn't even laugh it off; he felt agonizingly lonely. </p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>He recalled having read something about hour-long scalding hot showers being an indicator of a need for human warmth and when the steam took Jake’s shape in his mind, he knew he couldn’t refute it. He was tired of living in the future. He couldn’t imagine his body against another, the sound of his name on someone else’s lips. He’d give anything to be held.</p>
<p>Even if he’d like to pretend otherwise, it was not only the space-time continuum that hindered his chances with Jake. For how much they joked about being into each other, Dirk sure felt it was one-sided. It was always him cracking up the whip and cornering Jake to get something<em>—anything—</em>out of him. And if he forced him to deal with one—just one—Strider on the daily it would be one thing, but he had two duplicates to come to grips with. To add to the already unpleasant experience. </p>
<p>Three Striders were apparently not enough to brazen it up and type it, that he liked him and that there was nothing he wanted more than to read it back. Without the irony, without the playful homoeroticism that was starting to get old, as comforting as it had been at the beginning. It had allowed them to test how far they could go before it became weird and Dirk inevitably wondered how much longer would that be. Somehow it was easier to bare his soul to his friend when he could finish it off with a "just kidding," which in truth was an "only kidding if <em> you're </em>kidding." Was Jake all that clueless or did he just enjoy the attention even if he had no intention of reciprocating? Dirk could not tell and that scared him. </p>
<p>He had gotten into the shower to blow off some steam. To take Jake—and the looming loneliness that treaded hard on his heels—off his mind, perhaps jerk off like the desperate teen he sometimes forgot he was. Once he was inside, though, he just couldn’t. </p>
<p>He braced himself tightly under the pretext of scrubbing his back and focused on the nearly scorching heat on his skin. As pathetic as he felt, it was comforting. More importantly, it fooled his brain into thinking he had someone to keep him company. </p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>The following days would change everything. The perspective of finally destroying the world that had only been vicious towards him and meeting other human beings—particularly his internet friends, amongst them the boy he loved and the girl who loved him—was as staggering as it was promising. He could hardly wait.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. II.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dirk heard Jake humming as he approached the bathroom. He caught a glimpse of him through the ajar door, the excess of foam almost swallowed him up, but he looked stupidly dreamy as he sang to himself in the bathtub. </p><p>"<em>Lost my heart…</em>" he shrugged coyly, like he truly was Rita Hayworth in <em> Pal Joey. </em> "... <em> But what of it? My mistake, I agree. He’s a laugh, but I love it—because the laugh’s on me…</em>" </p><p>
  
</p><p>Dirk watched as Jake pushed his head back and raked his fingers through his hair theatrically. </p><p>"<em>A pill he is, but still he is all mine… And I’ll keep him until he is… Bewitched, bothered and bewildered… Like me… La-da-da, da-da-di-ram… Hmhm, hmhm.</em>"</p><p>He felt his throat tightening. They had been dating and going on adventures day in and day out for a couple of months and yet Jake seemed the happiest when he was alone. Dirk asked himself if he should let him be in his own bubble, but his mind seemingly had other plans for him and before he even realized it, he was sneaking in silently and loathing himself for it. He feared he would break the spell if he so much as made a noise and he was right to, Jake noticed him straight away and stopped singing altogether.</p><p>"… Hey." Dirk nodded. </p><p>"Ah, Dirk, my partner in crime and adventure! My <em> buen amigo! </em> You caught me hanging loose in my birthday suit, as they say, enjoying a good soak!"</p><p>"Yeah, I can see that. Or rather, I heard your seraphic serenade, bro. For a moment there I distinctly envisioned a thousand angels weeping at the unalloyed virility of it, like a flock of seagulls drawn to a disgustingly soggy piece of bread. I guess you'd be the disgustingly soggy piece of bread in this particular scenario, but don't chew on it. The bread, I mean—<em>Anyway. </em> It came to me like a prophecy of half-naked martyred hunks. And they too, you guessed it, were crying."</p><p>Jake blinked at him a couple of times and Dirk felt the urge to slap himself for his trouble. Why couldn’t he stop sputtering nonsense every time Jake was in front of him?</p><p>"Busters! Martyred hunks, I hear?" he managed to answer. </p><p>"You don't even have to go along with it. You'd do me a favor if you didn't, actually," he almost begged. </p><p>"Righty-ho, is there something you require from me then?" </p><p>"Eh, well—Yeah. Do you mind if I join in?" </p><p>"Uh—" There it was, the vacillation. Dirk was no fool and even if he had been, Jake's discomfort was palpable in the air. It wasn’t straightforward enough for it to feel like a rejection, but Dirk was sufficiently perceptive to realize Jake would not have invited him if he hadn’t so flagrantly let himself in. "Not on any account! There's plenty of space for two, so... Hop on!" </p><p>"You know what? I changed my mind. I think I'll fuck around while you—" </p><p>"Dirk <em> friggin’ </em> Strider, get your sweaty caboose over here. <em> Pronto," </em> Jake jokingly hardened his tone as if he’d just been refused, but if anything it felt like it was Dirk who had overstepped. That was a pretty regular occurrence, in point of fact.  </p><p>"Kay. Chill out, man."</p><p>He undressed (making an exception of his shades) and wasted no time in getting into the tub, if only to escape Jake’s examining stare. It wasn’t that he felt unconfident about his body—on the contrary, he was pretty well built for his age, which only made sense considering his unconventional upbringing—but he didn’t want to risk making a fool of himself any more than he had already.</p><p>"Could you scrub my back while you’re at it?" Jake turned his back to Dirk almost immediately and he decided to take it as the deliberate estrangement it probably was. He should have gone home after the expedition, he kept telling himself like a mantra.</p><p>"Sure," he simply said.</p><p>His case of <em> English mania </em> was far greater than his neuroticism, so he complied. He ran his hands across the other boy’s shoulders, his heart beating wildly inside his chest while his lips remained as straight as an arrow. Jake was getting broader and taller each passing day; soon he’d surely surpass Dirk. He couldn’t help wondering if he’d be there to see it. He felt like they were nearing the finale and he had somehow missed the whole plot.</p><p>He knew he should try to ask him if something was wrong, but as ridiculous as it was, he couldn’t just knock his cool guy charade off. At any rate, it wasn’t as if he didn’t get the general picture. He had manipulated Jake into dating him and he was—understandably—starting to get on his nerves. He knew, yet he couldn’t stop forcing himself into his life. The moment he did, it would be over.</p><p>He was removed from his thoughts when he felt Jake slip away from his touch.</p><p>"With all the due respect, chum. I’m aware I might have given you the wrong idea just now with the <em> nakedness </em> of the circumstances and the <em> least </em> I want is you thinking I’m a prude or a complete ignoramus… But! While I’m always flattered by your flirtatious advances, don’t get me wrong—If I’m being frank I wasn’t prepared for—"</p><p>Dirk finally realized what the problem was. His hands had moved on their own accord as he was dissociating and were now shamelessly feeling up his boyfriend’s pecs. He dropped them as if he had just touched a red-hot iron, which he might as well have.</p><p>"Shit, <b> <em>no</em></b><em>. </em> Dude, I didn’t notice. Seriously, my mind was somewhere else, I didn’t mean to cop a feel like a <em> slobbering creep.</em>" Great, just <em> great. </em> </p><p>"Well, knock me down with a feather! In that case don’t get into a flap; it really struck me as odd that you’d be so assertive all of a sudden!"</p><p>"Yeah—No. It was absolutely not my intention," he agreed. An awkward silence followed.</p><p>"I can offer a more virtuous snuggle if you’re—uh—in need of one?" He was ever the gentleman. </p><p>Dirk’s stomach churned. Why did Jake allow himself to get swayed like that? Like he had no free will whatsoever. He was getting sick of it. He didn’t want a body pillow or a cheap Lara Croft figurine for a boyfriend and he <em> definitely </em> didn’t want him to feel like one.</p><p>He purposefully missed <em> yet another </em> chance to come clean about his concerns and buried his face in the nape of Jake's neck. The latter clutched his hands in his, letting out a low chuckle that Dirk couldn't recognize as full-hearted, nor fake. At least it was warm.</p><p>"I reckon I did not have an inkling you were such a snuggly bear!" Jake admitted.</p><p>"Not the vibe I give off, right?" Dirk squeezed him tighter and exhaled laboriously, in spite of himself. He internally cursed; he had to stop being so damn overbearing. It was embarrassing.</p><p>"Are you feeling quite alright, Dirk?" Jake patted Dirk’s hands timidly.</p><p>"Hella." Maybe if he answered quickly and convincingly enough Jake would just drop it. "You aren’t half bad at singing, by the way."</p><p>"Aw, you’re just saying that!" Jake covered his face self-consciously. "Did you really hear <em> all </em> of it? My <em> seraphic serenade</em>, as you called it?" He turned a bit to look at Dirk over his shoulder.</p><p>"Nah, just a bit." Dirk noticed a tangled up twig in Jake’s hair and inattentively reached for it. When his eyes fell back to Jake he was met with a very much flustered expression. The word "lovestruck" danced around his brain for the fraction of a second, but he dismissed it as a projection of what he’d like it to be and not necessarily a reflection of what he was seeing. It couldn’t be. "Sorry, you had something in your hair." He showed him.</p><p>"<em>Oh, </em> always the homeboy, this Dirk Strider fella! Isn’t this like one of your <em> yowie animeys? </em> Haha, my heart sure went out to get milk and refuses to come back to his loving wife and whippersnappers!" Jake laughed nervously. "Uh, <em> husband, </em>loving husband," he corrected.</p><p>"Nevermind the disturbing implication that we tied the knot and somehow spawned some English-Strider fledglings before you became a piece of flaming trash husband who apparently has no qualms about abandoning his family, <em> but... </em> Was that you trying to say <em> yaoi anime</em>?" Dirk laughed stoically.</p><p>"Isn’t that what I just said?" Jake scratched his head comically.</p><p>"Uh, no? You still get some points for sounding like an Internet grandpa though," Dirk shrugged. "Hey, how about I wash your hair for you?" he offered very casually, considering it had taken all of his willpower to even think of saying it.</p><p>"—Eh? For sure, thanks!" Jake accepted oddly cheerfully.</p><p>"Care turning this way?"</p><p>"Heh, of course not." Jake untangled himself from the loose embrace they were in and turned round to face Dirk. The space was too narrow for their legs not to climb one onto another. "Oh wow, that is a lot more embarrassing than I anticipated!"</p><p>"If you’re uncomfortable we can—"</p><p>"I’m a-okay, Strider, bring it on!" Jake turned down the offer before he could even finish.</p><p>"You’re enthusiastic about this," Dirk observed as he poured water over Jake and applied some shampoo, thoroughly spreading it on his hair with gentle fingers, not unlike he usually did on himself.</p><p>"Haha, you see right through me! I was thinking something about this feels peculiarly palsy-walsy and I only now puzzled it out!” he exclaimed. Dirk waited for him to continue. "My grandma used to wash my hair like this when I was but an ankle-biter… I would come back home with mud up to my teeth and she’d laugh and tell me we had to get me into the tub before it dried out and she had to get her hands on a pickaxe. Silly, isn’t it?" he smiled distantly, like he was submerged in a memory, merely describing what he was seeing.</p><p>"Your grandma sounds like she was a kickass lady." Dirk was unsure of what to say; although he was grateful that Jake had decided to share a piece of his heart like that with him unprompted, he didn’t have any reassuring words or similar experiences to share. Not for the first time, he felt like there wasn’t much he could provide him. "She must have meant a lot to you."</p><p>"I guess! I have a vague recollection of my life with her, but it feels important to keep her in my memory…" he contemplated. "But enough of this sulky nostalgic talk!" he suddenly laughed.</p><p>"Yeah, the mood got a bit—heavy there. But thanks for sharing that with me, man," Dirk agreed and resumed massaging Jake’s scalp, putting all the sympathy he hadn’t been able to express with words into his hands.</p><p>
  
</p><p>"You’re a cool guy, Dirk." Jake closed his eyes at the pleasurable sensation.</p><p>Dirk went through a complicated cluster of emotions as he stared at his cryptic boyfriend. Intimate moments like these told him that he should not give up the fight to keep their cracked relationship afloat, but deep down, the conviction that nothing he did could save it was stronger. With that looming sensation of eventuality in his mind, he rinsed Jake’s hair, careful not to get any soap into his eyes.</p><p>"Good as new," he concluded with the hint of a smile in his tone.</p><p>"That felt good! Many thanks for your service, mister," Jake grinned and shuffled closer to wrap his arms around Dirk’s waist and rest his head on his shoulder. Dirk was frozen in place; it was unlike Jake to start any sort of physical contact.</p><p>"Jake? What are you doing?" he couldn’t stop himself from asking.</p><p>"Partaking in virtuous snuggling?" Jake answered, as if it couldn’t be any more obvious.</p><p>"Haha, what?" Dirk actually laughed.</p><p>"You look like you’re in a blue funk, so I thought I’d try and cheer you up," he added. Dirk’s heart thumped. "Come to Papa."</p><p>"Don’t say it like that; it’s even creepier than your heart metaphor earlier," Dirk disapproved, but he was secretly over himself that Jake had taken the initiative for once, even if it was out of pity. He’d take whatever he could get.</p><p>"Whatever! Just man up and hug me, bro," Jake insisted.</p><p>Dirk moved closer and hesitantly draped his arms around Jake, who in turn strengthened his grip and started rubbing his back comfortingly. He buried his face in the other boy’s hair, feeling a clean and warm sensation flutter in his chest. He didn’t know if this would last or what he’d do if not, but his anxiety had been knocked back, if only momentarily.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. III.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Three months went by.</p><p>Dirk found himself all alone in his head after almost forgetting what solitude was like. He was back on his planet, back at home. Back to long, quiet showers and endless streams of frenetic thoughts. The air was thin enough to breathe comfortably up there, but he felt like he was on the verge of suffocation still. Things with Jake were… not ideal. He had passively watched as their hangouts became fewer and farther between and his trademark orange took over their text exchanges like the bars of a prison cell. The green that had once been locked between them had vanished.</p><p>He stared at the water swirling down the drain. His mind was scattered and—much like everything else around him—falling apart. He genuinely wanted to believe that Jake would come back to him, but his intuition never lied and this time around it screamed that it was the end.</p><p>It was no wonder he had finally tired of him; instead of giving him the space he so clearly needed, he had bombarded him with pointless schedules the minute he had started sensing doubts, like the neurotic maniac he was. Funnily enough, in the past he had shielded himself behind an unapproachable online persona to disguise his neediness, but he had miscalculated how hard it’d be to keep a cool head once they were in the game, once Jake was walking by his side with that goofy grin of his for the first time. Breathing the same air, sharing a moment in time and space… It had been so <em> wonderfully </em> overwhelming he’d have happily drowned in it. </p><p>He smiled bitterly to himself as he remembered how badly he had wanted to touch the other boy’s skin the first days and how he had welcomed and catalogued every single casual touch, even the ones that were accidental. Their shoulders bumping when the path narrowed, their hands brushing fleetingly or their thighs nudging one against another when they sat down to rest… They all meant something to Dirk, who had only known yearning for sixteen years.</p><p>
  
</p><p>And he had gone and ruined it with his ceaseless meddling and pushing. He despised himself for it, yet he couldn’t help it; not being in control made him feel inhibited. It stung that he couldn’t even blame Jake for escaping him; after all, he himself would have done the same if he wasn’t fundamentally trapped in his own head all the time.</p><p>The thought of apologizing crossed his mind, of course, but he figured Jake wouldn’t be opening his messages any time soon. Contacting Roxy or Jane was out of the question as well; he had been too absent from their lives for far too long to deserve their shoulders to cry on. Crying—he thought—would surely be a release, but he found it hard to break away from his self-imposed rule of bottling up anything resembling emotion, as much pain as it brought him, as absurd as he knew it was.</p><p>He slid down the wall and sat on the shower tray like he was starring in a particularly depressing set of stock photos. At least Jake wasn’t there to see him wallow in misery, he supposed. He curled up into a ball just to feel the warm water falling down his neck and back, but it wasn’t as reassuring as he would have liked. It lacked the weight of a body, <em> his </em> body.</p><p>If he considered his situation rationally, it didn’t even make sense for him to miss Jake so much. The guy had been uncontactable for less than a day and, even then, it couldn’t be hard to find him if he really <em> had to. </em> That was the thing, though; notwithstanding the fact that he was worried sick, he didn’t want to play cat and mouse anymore, he didn't want to force a face-off that could potentially—irrevocably—confirm that he was being shunned and that no matter how hard he tried, he could never give Jake what he needed. He hadn't been there for him when he had sought him out desperately before they entered the game and apparently made it his mission to get in his face now that he shied away from his company. </p><p>It was plain to see that Jake had a serious aversion to intimacy and commitment, which clashed terribly with Dirk's own fear—or rather <em> unhindered horror—</em>of abandonment. It was like they were never on the same page, nor the same book. Perhaps not even the same shelf, for all Dirk knew.</p><p>The drizzling sound was starting to get under his skin, so he turned off the faucet and sank deeper, both physically and in thought. </p><p>He was terrified of driving everyone away and ending up alone. Loneliness was everything he knew and loathed, a state of mind he couldn't relapse into. He genuinely didn't mean to be a clingy or alienating boyfriend to Jake; he just had a primal <em> need </em> to get every second he'd wasted in the middle of the ocean back. Fighting together, talking for hours at a time, touching each other all over and still wanting to be <em> closer… </em> Dirk couldn't get enough of it and it made his heart bleed that Jake—who had grown up in very similar circumstances as his—was put off by this to the extent of running away without a word. </p><p>Maybe he'd just failed to see the warnings or give them the weight they deserved. Had he known that their time together would be cut short, he'd have been less greedy for it. He'd have done more, done less… Who was he trying to fool? He'd have made the same mistakes all over again like he was following the heartbreak instruction manual to the letter. </p><p>Attempting to understand Jake succeeded at being both a shot in the dark and simplicity itself. But he liked that, he liked how bright he was under his feigned idiocy, how he challenged his expectations constantly without even realizing it. He had had to unlearn the <em> concept </em> of Jake in his mind to come to love the actual—overly-complicated, quirky, unruly, soft, and basically incoherent in every way—Jake. He wanted to discover <em> more </em> and understand <em> less </em> of him, to simply allow the novelty of it all to assume control and push the restlessness away. And if he couldn’t have that, he at least wished to regain his friendship. Going back to the teasing and missed chances would do; he just couldn’t lose him.</p><p>The tears came so naturally at that moment that he almost laughed in relief. He didn’t feel like masking what he was feeling even to himself; he had a right to be sad and scared and <em> stupidly intense </em> about it. Bordering with the all too familiar guilt, there was anger. And for once it wasn’t directed at himself—or even at the AR, which was a miracle on its own—but at Jake. Even if he’d been in the wrong and the damage was irreversible, didn’t he deserve to know exactly what he’d done directly from him? Didn’t Jake owe him that courage?</p><p>Without wiping off his eyes he stood up and turned the water back on, as searing and hard as it would go. He had allowed the anguish to bubble in his chest many times before, but he always managed to make it die out in his throat before it materialized in tears. This time he put up no barriers, though; the shelter that the running water provided helped him let his guard down completely and embrace a newfound vulnerability. He let the tightness in his chest out in audible sobs and full body shudders and was genuinely surprised to find out that sobbing was as cathartic as it was wet, sticky and frankly exhausting. He proceeded to cry and cry until his reasoning became blurred and indistinct, until he was just doing it to get familiarized with the feeling.</p><p>When he came out of the shower he didn’t feel like a new—magically better adjusted—person, but a weight had definitely been lifted from his shoulders. He looked at himself in the mirror out of pure curiosity; he was an absolute mess.</p><p>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. IV.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The years went by and Dirk grew older and continued to fall in and out of love—and life—with Jake, as if settling down was never an option for people like them. And maybe it wasn’t; he was beginning to think he just wasn’t cut out for the slap-happy normalcy everyone else seemed to welcome so naturally on their brand new Earth C. It made him absurdly restless.</p><p>His legendary infinite showers seemed to be the one constant in his existence. Hot, luke-warm, cold or even dry. Head either bursting with thoughts, blissfully empty or wandering about his labyrinthine subconscious lazily. With company and a meaningful connection or without it. Sometimes a means of breaking away from reality and others the only way to tie himself to it. The finer details did not matter; the fact remained that showers had become indispensable for him to process even the most inconsequential things. In more than one way, they were his particular center of gravity.</p><p>The shower that day didn’t feel all that relevant, enlightening, or even <em> real, </em>however. Although he was very much bodily and mentally aware (or so he took for granted), he was nervous and kept jumping from thought to thought without taking a second to understand why he was doing it. He was thinking too much about nothing in particular, going over past events that he couldn’t change nor let go.</p><p>A gentle nuzzle into his neck brought him back to the moment. Right, he was cramped up in the shower at his studio, Jake was there with him. They had somehow ended up together on their day off with the pretext of Dirk showing him a very basic prototype of a wrestling robot he was building for a wrestling show idea… But why were they showering <em> together</em>? Why were Jake’s hands aimlessly contouring his body as he barely mouthed at his skin, so tenderly that Dirk’s heart had leapt to his throat and was about to escape him? He couldn’t recall what had led to it, but at least it explained the emotional trainwreck he was in.</p><p>He realized his hand had frozen just above the faucet.</p><p>"What is your pretty head doing up there in the clouds?" Jake breathed softly.</p><p>Dirk didn’t answer. He turned the knob and heavily exhaled when the water started pouring over them both. He felt Jake’s hold tighten around him, his chin had come to rest on his shoulder in what was probably not a very comfortable position for him.</p><p>"... Something wrong, lover boy?" he asked in a clearly failed attempt at sounding unbothered.</p><p>"Nah, just thinking," he lied. </p><p>In recent times, he found it easier to slip into his introspective mode in the middle of doing other things, like he used to do with his dream-self. He could tell something was changing inside him, something powerful and dangerous he couldn’t trust himself with. Or not yet, anyway—But that wasn’t what was currently occupying his mind. He tried to answer Jake’s question sincerely, if only to himself: Was <em> something </em> wrong? On the contrary, he couldn’t think of a distinct wrongness and that in itself was <em> wrong. </em> Maybe it was the tragic heroism in him or the way cosmic relevance had shaped his whole trajectory up to that moment, but he ultimately didn’t understand how to live a fulfilling life if nothing mattered. The gears kept turning, but the mechanism had ceased to be. He wouldn’t—<em>couldn’t—</em>say it was wrong, but it didn’t feel <em> right </em> either.</p><p>Another worry of his was that he and Jake kept tiptoeing one around the other, pretending that the terribly orchestrated casualness they shared was enough when it wasn’t. They wrapped around each other fairly easily—it would not be a stretch to say they were most like themselves when they were together—yet when it came to heart-to-hearts and expressing their needs, it was like they were sixteen all over again. This led to a self-sustained limbo where they weren’t exactly friends nor exactly lovers. No matter how hard he tried to conform to it, the frustration didn’t let up.</p><p>"Dirk," Jake called. Dirk wondered if he’d failed to answer a question he hadn’t even heard.</p><p>"What's up?"</p><p>"That’s what I’d like to know! You’ve been acting a little outré all day and you’re keeping me on my tenterhooks trying to figure out why, is it something I did?"</p><p>"Not really, no." He squeezed some body wash into his palm and turned to Jake, who had a stressed out but solicitous look in his eyes that he refused to acknowledge. Hoping that it would make him forget, he began applying the lotion on his chest with coquettish fingers.</p><p>"Talk to me…" he insisted, "<em>Please,</em>" and Dirk really wished he could.</p><p>"It’s really nothing. I just have my hands full with a lot of… <em> stuff. </em> You could say I’m all yaoi grabby hands in this bitch—" The timing for that phrase was most fittingly <em> inappropriate, </em> considering his hands were busy feeling up his partner’s pecs. "And I honest to God didn’t just call you a bitch." Jake simply stared at him, as if no amount of shenanigans could make him waver. "Look, what I’m saying is that you don’t have to worry, it’s not you."</p><p>"Oh, so we’re playing the <em> it’s not you, it’s me </em> card, are we now?" he pushed.</p><p>"Jake, we’re not even dating."</p><p>"So tell me, what am I supposed to do if you have managed not to hear about a single thing I’ve told you within the past <em> hour! </em> Just where are you, Dirk? Because butter my butt and call me a biscuit, it sure as heck isn’t with me!" He finally raised his voice, closing the tap to make himself heard. "If you want to be alone so badly you can just ask me to leave. You know that, don’t you?" He toned it down, his lips becoming but a thin repressed line.</p><p>"Please don’t—" He hated how absolutely desperate he sounded. "Don’t leave. I’m right here, I’m sorry." He brought a soapy hand to cup Jake’s cheek.</p><p>"Why are you the one comforting<em> me? </em> You officially have me at sixes at sevens, chap, I simply cannot read you!" Jake exclaimed, but he didn’t move away.</p><p>"Yeah, that happens. I only now landed back on Earth and I honestly don’t have a clue what’s going on here. I’m like—" Dirk trailed off.</p><p>"<em>…</em> <em>Dirk,</em> don’t go down that road," Jake interrupted.</p><p>"And which road might that be?" the blond inquired, tilting his head.</p><p>"The metaphor road, <em> obviously! </em> The one where you get into a proper cock-up, make a mess of yourself and get on my bazooms, for good measure!" he answered with a certain degree of exasperation. Dirk couldn’t hold back a snigger—that he concealed under a cough—at the sudden vulgarity of Jake’s words. </p><p>"Oh. <em> But Jake… </em> " He leaned forward with a smirk. "That sounds <em> exactly </em> like a road I’d want to <b> <em>go down into</em></b><em>.</em>"</p><p>"… Eh?"</p><p>It took Jake a second to realize what he’d said, but he'd apparently had enough of their absurd conversation. He pulled Dirk closer by the hips and initiated a mind-boggling, hungry and open-mouthed kiss, one he had resolutely been steering clear of as to give Dirk room to talk, which he didn’t. Dirk’s hands—in lieu of his knees that had already gone weak—collapsed into Jake's slippery chest, looking for whatever bodily support he could provide him. He felt a self-assured smile against his teeth as the taller man drove him into a corner with his warm hands. </p><p>"Holy shit, dud—" Before he could say anything else, Jake’s lips were back on his, this time only for an instant, only to silence him. When they parted, Dirk studied his face carefully.</p><p>"Look who's all focused now!" Jake laughed. </p><p>"That's—<em>So unfair," </em> he complained. </p><p>"In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is king!" He snorted again, shifting a little to hold Dirk closer. Dirk felt his heart swell with fondness. He found that a lot of times, Jake’s touch said a lot more than his words.</p><p>"<em>Yeah? </em>" He took it as a challenge.</p><p>He proceeded to drag his nails across Jake's torso and along his back in revenge, leaving little streaks of foam in their wake. When he was done, he pressed his face to his neck and ran his tongue over his earlobe, traveling down his tensed muscles and ending with a kiss to his collarbone. The mood conclusively changed from playful to alluring as Dirk circled one of his areolas with a thumb and pinched his nipple lightly, weighing his reaction whilst nestled on his shoulder.</p><p><em> "… Blast…" </em> Jake exhaled.</p><p>"Where did all that boldness scurry off to, big man?"</p><p>Their relationship might have become a big—if not the biggest—question mark to Dirk, but he found his way around Jake’s body with virtually no effort. He let out a satisfied hum as Jake closed in on him further, prompting him to continue toying with his chest as he pleased.</p><p>"<em>Dear lord, </em> it literally hurts how much I love your tits," Dirk said as he fondled him with more insistence. "You’re <em> so </em> huge you could easily—Jesus <em> fuck, </em> you could <em> definitely </em> smother me. Heroic death from the get-go. It’d be all over the news: <em> Gone too soon. Local deity dies for the greater good.</em>" He started jabbering. Jake laughed distractedly, involuntarily flexing his pecs and abs, slowly losing control of his body under Dirk’s eager fingers.</p><p>If it wasn’t for the soap, Dirk would have already followed every turn and indent with his tongue. Instead, he squashed their chests together—effectively pinning himself against the cold tiles—and began rubbing against him. He felt a squish and a warm puff of air in his face every time Jake’s chest rose and fell. His heart was starting to pick up the pace, drumming unsteadily as Dirk caressed him. He could also catch his pulse when he kissed his neck, so he peppered him with little tongueless pecks all over, breathing directly into his skin.</p><p>His hands sloped down Jake’s lower back and ass. He appreciated how his curves fit between the cracks of his fingers, how the firmness gave way to softness as he wandered downwards. Jake turned the water on once more to make things steamier, but aside from that he remained motionless, just happy to let Dirk stir him up as he saw fit. </p><p>"Hey… Touch me too," Dirk sighed, still busy on his neck. Jake sometimes needed a little encouragement like that; it jarred something back in place like a gentle—well-placed—smack to an old clogged machine. "If you want to."</p><p>"Ah—Most gladly!" Jake cleared his throat. </p><p>And so, his big—and now wet—hands came into play, moving up along Dirk’s sides and coming to rest on his collarbones, thumbs and index fingers flattening against his ears and jawline. He tilted his chin to take a good look at him and giggled when Dirk aggressively blushed and attempted to slip out of his grasp.</p><p> </p><p>"Are you really going to grope me like fury in cold blood and then pitch yourself into a tizzy when I lay my eyes on you? Bro, this is pure humbuggery and you know it! What are you, a feeble maiden?"</p><p>"<em>Bro, </em> you’re ridiculous. But also, don’t underestimate the purity of locking gazes. That’s like, first base in BL." </p><p>"Wouldn’t that imply we’re <em> way </em> past bases? That’s to say, what would classify as a home run in these <em> Bee Els </em> you speak of? You know what I’m saying? I don’t have the faintest who’s even officiating the game at this point!" Jake joked.</p><p>"Jake, do I look like a man who’s knowledgeable in sports? Look at me and tell me <em>exactly</em> what part of me looks knowledgeable in sports." Dirk pretended to wait for an answer. "It’s just—Any all-embracing, self-respecting American dude gotta be semi-decently-versed in sexual sports metaphors. I’m telling you, it’s just the patriotic thing to do… Me? Obsessed with boyfriend baseball jackets and sweaty dudes swinging their junk in white pants? Nah, man, it is my duty. It’s right there in the <em>Accidentally Gay</em> section of the <em>U.S. Culture Encyclopedia,</em> next to the raw—and hardly disguised—sexual tension between the literal closeted chad and the stereotypically campy theatre kid in the critically acclaimed cinematographic masterpiece <em>High School Musical 2.</em> <em>Slide home, you score, swingin’ on the dance floor</em> and all that jazz. Like, '<em>you better spin that pitch you’re gonna throw me</em><em>'</em>? Definitely relevant to my interests, sir. Yeah, I’m down for it, I’d hit it out of the park any day. Ring me up."</p><p>"You’re seriously a dork," Jake snickered. "<em>And</em> <em>poof,</em> you just murdered my boner!"</p><p>"Shit, you started this, my man. You know how easily I get sidetracked," Dirk whined.</p><p>"Don’t make that face; I’m just pulling your leg." Jake’s nonchalant laugh continued to do things to Dirk’s heart. It poked fun at the way he over-scrutinized their relationship, which looked all sorts of uncomplicated at the moment. </p><p>Jake suddenly took his face in his hands and moved closer, asking for permission to pick up where they had left off with his eyes. Dirk parted his lips and anchored himself to Jake’s waist with both arms as an answer. Before he knew it, Jake’s tongue had slid into his mouth and he was closing his eyes and giving himself over to sensation. Jake was holding his neck in place with one hand, the other tickling down his stomach and closer to his hips. The water smoothing along their bodies added a constant and gentle tingle to the already gratifying experience. Dirk didn’t lag behind for long and resumed running his fingers along Jake’s shoulders and spine, feeling a slight quiver everywhere he touched.</p><p>The tension slowly building up in the air urged them to move onto heavier and needier petting. Their lower bodies finally came into direct contact and showed beyond any doubt that they were both <em> deep </em> into it, if their ragged breathing and sudden inability to talk weren’t enough to go by already. Dirk twitched and heard himself letting out a gasp he hadn’t realized he’d been holding in when Jake yanked his hair to bare his neck and sucked at it not-so-mercifully, seconds away from leaving a mark.</p><p>"Fuck <em> me—</em>" he cursed under his breath.</p><p>"—Sorry, did I overdo it?" Jake asked concernedly. </p><p>"No, man—That was supposed to be encouraging."</p><p>"Hm," Jake hummed. His fingers massaged his scalp gently before going back to fiercely necking him. This time Dirk almost whimpered and definitely tipped his hips forward with more desperation. "…T-turn around for me," Jake spoke softly into his ear. Dirk felt faint.</p><p>He repositioned himself, bending over and stretching his elbows against the wall because he didn’t trust his legs to stay strong for much longer. Jake clicked his tongue approvingly behind him and dug his fingers into the small of his back, getting a fistful of ass in each hand and kneading attentively. The blond wasn’t ashamed to arch into it, already missing the feeling of Jake’s body pressed flush against his.</p><p>"<em>Gorgeous…" </em> Jake mumbled to himself. Dirk’s blood rushed to his face at the praise. He didn’t know how to react to deliberate compliments, but hearing them in the form of escaped thoughts… It was a different story. A stupidly tender one, at that.</p><p>Jake pushed down on Dirk—forcing him to straighten his posture a little to accommodate him—and his hard-on boldly burrowed into his upper buttocks. </p><p>"Wait—<em>Wait," </em> Dirk started. </p><p>"Everything’s fine and dandy; I'm not putting it in. I’m only touching, is that a problem?"</p><p>Dirk shook his head. He felt his mind going blank as Jake touched him, brushing his lips against his nape stubble and pulling him into a tight embrace. His hips ground against his asscheeks in a remarkably controlled manner, but his powerful grip and constant sighing let Dirk know that he was a lot more bothered than he looked. The brunette lazily caressed his ribcage from behind, making Dirk the more squirmish and impatient with every second.</p><p>"Good heavens, Dirk—I can feel your heart <em> hammering </em> in your back, it’s almost obstreperous!" Jake blurted out.</p><p>"No shit, yours isn’t <em> precisely </em> chilling either," Dirk returned.</p><p>Jake started grinding against him more demandingly, but was considerate enough to allow his right hand to slide down Dirk’s stomach and curl around his dick to pleasure him as well. He didn’t put much vigor into his movements and Dirk could only melt in anticipation.</p><p>"Oh, gosh-darn! We didn’t think of bringing in condoms! Or lube, for that matter!" He came to a standstill at the realization. He reached for the tap to stop the water from streaming.</p><p>"No biggie, I’ve got this." Dirk turned to face him. If he had to wait much longer to (quite literally) get railed out of his mind he might actually end up lashing out.</p><p>"You couldn’t <em> possibly </em> mean you're about to—"</p><p>"Not only <em> do </em> I, but I deadass <em> will. </em> We’re not about to fucking obliterate the mood just because we didn’t foresee us getting horny as shit," he affirmed. "Lube, <em> right? </em>"</p><p>"D—" Jake saw through Dirk’s train of thought and tried stopping him with a placating hand, but Dirk had already moved a finger up to his lips to hush him up. And just like that, he started rapping.</p><p>"<em>Ay yo, losing patience. </em></p><p>
  <em> Straight out the drizzle. </em>
</p><p><em> Let’s begin—</em>"</p><p>"Do I just stand here while you spontaneously start rapping?" Jake grumbled. Dirk shrugged with an unrepentant grin plastered on his face.</p><p>"Yeah—Sounds legit.</p><p>
  <em> Haven’t even started and I’m thus far breathless, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Nor do I expect this lame rap to be deathless. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Kicking a shower sex party like a mad droob, </em>
</p><p><em> For rhyme’s sake I gotta ditch this rubik’s </em> <b> <em>cube</em></b><em>.</em>"</p><p>Dirk’s Tech-Hop Modus effectively interpreted his words and ejected the cube with such bad luck that Dirk couldn’t catch it before it bounced off Jake’s chest like a projectile and dropped out of sight.</p><p>"<b><em>Ack!</em> </b> What in <em> damnation!</em>" Jake complained as he sheltered himself from any other possible safety hazard.</p><p>"<em>Shit, dog, you’ve fallen prey to my lethal grind, </em></p><p><em> Can we blame it on my horny ass state of mind? </em>" Dirk continued, completely unphased.</p><p>"—<b>No</b>," Jake interjected.</p><p>"<em>What I mean to say is 'sorry about your boob,'</em></p><p><em> There’s no time like present to get some good ol’ </em> <b> <em>lube</em></b><em>." </em></p><p>This time around, Dirk did manage to react and successfully grabbed the lube bottle without another <em> incident. </em> Jake offered him an uneven—evidently annoyed—smile and snatched it from him just to be confrontational.</p><p>"Uh, splendid work there… pal," he scoffed, but Dirk was still not paying him any attention; he did tend to dissociate once he was knee-deep in his projects, even when they were as foolish as this particular one.</p><p>"What was it again, condoms? If I remember correctly I filed those as—Hm? The rhyme, it was something along… Rubber? No, it was a little more like—" he mumbled to himself.</p><p>"How about <em> I </em> get the stuff this time? It should be easy as pie with my Puzzle M—" Jake butted in.</p><p>"<b>Hell no</b>, it’s on the tip of my tongue," Dirk cut him off stubbornly. "Don’t rush me."</p><p>"Let us get on with it, you <em> unbending nincompoop! </em>" </p><p>"I’ll be <em> bending </em> over real soon, alright—"</p><p>"Strider, if you could stop being obscene for a second!" Jake almost begged. "My—my bum is going rigid as a twig and my teeth are chattering like blasted castanets… Will you just—!"</p><p>"Yeah, yeah." Dirk clearly wasn’t listening. "So… French letter wasn’t it either—Huh…? Aha, <em> cock sock. </em> Of course it was a <b> <em>cock sock</em></b><em>. </em> Dude, stop fidgeting. You’re distracting me."</p><p>"You know what? <em> Fine, </em> you go on with your silly poetry slam while I do my thing," Jake said bluntly as he started searching for condoms in his relatively simpler Puzzle Modus. It would have been a quick and painless procedure if he hadn’t previously jammed in an arm-chair, an antique metal stove, a whole tree house, two cars, a king size bed, an elephant skull and other equally enormous—and regrettably useless—objects. He might as well be looking for a needle in a haystack. </p><p>"Sounds like a challenge."</p><p>"Wha—<b><em>N</em></b><strong><em>o</em><em>?</em>"</strong></p><p>"Too late, Jake. Will you look at that? My finger is dangerously close to the trigger of this starting gun and I’m so clumsy there's no telling when it'll fire," Dirk droned as if he really had a firearm in his hands and he didn’t know how to handle it. </p><p>"Who allowed this man near a gun!" Jake humored him.</p><p>"Uh-oh, my hand slipped. <b> <em>Ka-blam, motherfucker</em></b><em>, </em> it's on. <em> Better start running.</em>"</p><p>"You <em> vile </em> fiend! That doesn't even remotely resemble a gunshot!" Jake protested, but continued hurriedly rummaging around his sylladex all the same. "Uh, Let's see here… Lord hecking fiddlesticks! I'm blind as a bat, I can't possibly win!"</p><p>"Giving up before trying? Tsk, loser," Dirk sneered before plunging back into his work in progress. "Anyway, cock sock—Ah. Something, something, deadlock. Or even better yet—<em>headlock? </em> That's it—"</p><p>"Can you at least shut your gob? I can't even hear my own thoughts over your—" Jake continued complaining. "Oh bollocks! <em>Watch out!</em>" he warned as a squirt pistol jetted off his sylladex—almost knocking Dirk off balance as he dodged it at the last second—and clattered on the floor unceremoniously. The blond wasn’t particularly bothered by this. </p><p>"My dude, how do you even mistake a fucking squirt pistol for condoms?"</p><p>"It’s a teeny-weeny card, Dirk! I’m not such a dunderhead!" Jake turned pink from neck to ears from pure irritation.</p><p>"Don’t tell me your sylladex is full, <b> <em>again</em></b><em>." </em></p><p>"I won’t be hearing about storing efficiency from a man who has an entire section reserved for his borderline titillating plush rumped marionettes! <em> Thanks!</em>" Jake basically shrieked. He was precariously close to getting <em> genuinely </em> worked up over Dirk’s puppets.</p><p>"Damn, Jake, you have some issues," Dirk whistled.</p><p><strong>"</strong><b>Hush!</b> Didn’t you want a competition? Well, you got it, so get your rusty dusty moving if you want to have it off any time soon!" he provoked. Dirk was so blissfully entertained that he’d almost forgotten they were trying to get it on in the first place.</p><p>"<em>Right. </em>You’re so pitiful I might just give you some advantage," he contemplated thoughtfully.</p><p>"If you’re playing, play <em> seriously!</em>" Jake glowered. </p><p>Dirk’s constant taunting had apparently lit a fire under him. And so, the blond went back to talking to himself while the brunette indiscriminately wiggled cards out in a desperate attempt to win. Objects of varying sizes started piling up all around them to the point they were basically stranded in the shower.</p><p>"This stopped being spicy eons ago, I’m madly shivery… and it’s getting terribly jumbled in here… Something’s poking me too…" Jake unleashed a string of whines under his breath. Dirk stared at him quizzically and nodded. "<em>What?</em>"</p><p>
  <em> "You don’t gotta tell me this stuff ain’t sexy, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> If I’m honest I might die of apoplexy. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The gospel truth is you’ve got me in a headlock, </em>
</p><p><em> But I just cannot give up this goddamn cock </em> <b> <em>sock</em></b><em>." </em></p><p>The Tech-hop—which was far from infallible—wrongly took the <em> cock </em> sock to mean a <em> regular </em>sock and merrily sent it off straight into Jake’s eye, prompting a comically high pitched and weirdly sounding yelp from him. </p><p>"<em>Criminy-waugh-gee-whiz-ah-hoo, <b>boy!</b><strong>"</strong></em> He looked down to the sock and then up to Dirk. They shared an identically dumbfounded look as they tried to register what had happened.</p><p>"Pffft!" Dirk snorted and they both burst out laughing. "Criminy <em> what? </em> You—You should have seen <em> your face, </em> hahaha. Crap, it hurts…" He spoke through tears. Jake slapped his shoulder as he failed to catch the breath his laughter had stolen from him. "Ow, <em> ow—</em>Sorry, haha. You OK, man?" Dirk rectified.</p><p>"Hehehe, never felt better, actually! <em> That</em>—That took me by surprise, is all!" He verbalized when he was finally able to. "Oh Lord, <em> Dirk. </em> I’m in stitches! A darned <b> <em>sock</em></b><em>… </em> Just how much more cartoony can this get?"</p><p>"I know, this is so stupid," Dirk agreed, dabbing a thumb to the corner of his eyes. </p><p>"I’m holding up a white flag, fella; I hereby declare you the sole competitor of this tournament!" Jake suddenly announced with a big flourish. </p><p>"What's that, are you admitting defeat?" </p><p>"You haven't even succeeded yet! Get my drift, this is a truce: a truce, <em> not </em>surrender! But let's say I'm merely stepping back so that we can move forward in the most gentlemanly way possible," Jake stated with an excessively pensive expression. </p><p>"That's <em> deep, </em>bro. You sure?" Dirk double-checked.</p><p>"<em>Joseph, Mary and baby Jesus! </em> Get that card already, you old thing! For the love of all things holy!" he cried out. </p><p>"Aight, no need to get all theological on me. Lemme get back in The Zone real quick."</p><p>"Make it snappy, but it ought to be a powerful peroration to this grand epic of yours…!" Jake encouraged him.</p><p>"Hype me up, man, I'm making this happen," Dirk demanded as he stalled for a bit more time to come up with a rhyme. Ad-libbing usually came to him as naturally as breathing, but the cold, the confusion and the hilarity of the whole situation was certainly having an effect on his dexterity.</p><p>"Imagine I'm your disk jockey and I'm revolving it—" Jake threw in a Vanilla Ice reference in one of the unlikely—but surprisingly enough not uncommon—ways they sponged each other’s interests up, something that was as casual as it was a reassuring closeness gauge. Dirk never got tired of those little reminders, especially when he was having so many doubts. "On the count of four! One, two, three… four!" </p><p>
  <em> "—Yeah, you better beware of the boner killer </em>
</p><p>
  <em> That’s been this roller coaster of a rhyme spiller. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> If we could only somehow overcome the shock, </em>
</p><p><em> It’s a fact nothing stands between me and the </em> <b> <em>sock</em></b><em>. </em></p><p>Mic drop, <em> bitch, </em> I’m done with this shit." But instead of mic dropping, Dirk seized the evasive condom packet like a ninja and held it up triumphantly.</p><p>"Bravo, <em>bravissimo!" </em> Jake clapped. "And now that we’ve got <em> that </em> covered…" He hardly wasted a second before forcing Dirk into a wall with one hand.</p><p>"Jumping straight to kabedon, huh? <em> Smooth. </em> I like it," Dirk smirked.</p><p>"I don’t know what that means, but I think I’ve waited long <em> and patiently </em> enough. Wouldn’t you agree, <em> doll?</em>" Jake spoke in a calculatedly huskier and <em> suaver </em> voice that somehow only made him sound dorkier.</p><p>"You’re <em> terrible </em> at flirting and I’m <em> inexplicably </em> turned on by it," Dirk shifted nervously under Jake’s fiery gaze.</p><p>"Shhh." His lips shook atop Dirk’s and soon enough any sort of talk was out of the question.</p><p>"J-Jake—" Dirk pulled away, breathless. "We gotta do something about all this crap that’s clogging up the shower before getting down to business. It’s looking like a flea market sale up in here. Not to mention it’s dangerous."</p><p>"Oh dear, how I hate it when you get inconveniently reasonable! But you do make a valid point."</p><p>"Damn right I do. Come on." Dirk friendlily nudged Jake and they <em> manually</em>—but effectively—disposed of everything, ranging from multiple action figures to scattered documents of unknown relevance to a foldable chair, a standing floor lamp, a lava lamp, the aforementioned elephant skull, a pile of—thankfully—unloaded militaria, some DVDs and cassette tapes and a long etcetera. They had both had enough of Sylladex shenanigans for the foreseeable future and Dirk trusted they had learned a valuable life lesson.</p><p> </p><p>In spite of the ceaseless tomfoolery they had just stupidly and unnecessarily subjected themselves to, it wasn’t hard for them to get back on course. Their skin connected erratically and needily, desperately looking for a burning sensation to mitigate the cold that had slowly but surely been seeping into their bones. They sure found it in the shape of kisses that sometimes turned into nibbles or even soft bites. Jake’s hands were so gentle on Dirk’s body that he could only sigh in contentment as they started leisurely descending from his shoulders to his navel, where they went around in little circles that made Dirk’s hair stand on its end. Once he deigned they were heated up enough, the blond ran a finger down Jake’s length tentatively.</p><p>"Hah—<em>Yes…" </em> he melted.</p><p>There was nothing half-hearted about the way Dirk jerked Jake off; rather, the speed and pressure he put into it were nothing but deliberate and closely tied to his reactions. He started out slowly and loosely to build up some expectation—rubbing at the tip with his thumb—and when he got a gasp, he moved away entirely to playfully caress his inner thighs. It was undoubtedly teasing of him, but Jake was in no rush just yet. </p><p>"Dirk…" Jake breathed more than he spoke.</p><p>"Should I blow you?" Dirk wondered out loud.</p><p>"No, this is good—It’s good like this." Jake answered as he grabbed Dirk’s free hand, bringing it to his lips before intertwining their fingers. He placed the ghost of a peck on each of his knuckles. His breath was hot, heavy and ticklish.</p><p>"Let’s get the water running again, shall we?" Dirk reached for the knob and bit his cheek as the water cascaded down Jake’s neck and chest and stilled into tiny, crystal-like beads when its trajectory came to an end. It was almost hypnotizing and Dirk wouldn’t define the sight as anything but ethereal. He tried to retain every single detail in his memory: Jake’s eyes that were hazy and half-lidded, his lips that were slightly parted and the way his hand was still lovingly squeezing his when he had had plenty of chances to let go of it. It had been long since they had been involved in such an intimate and manageable manner and Dirk hoped that Jake was also sharing his state of exhilaration and contentment.</p><p>He dragged out properly stroking him long enough so that he could stare without consequences and Jake naturally got slicker. He formed a ring with his fingers and squeezed lightly from base to tip and then downwards, Jake was resolutely thick by then. He gradually put a little more pressure in each stroke until Jake’s hips started jerking forward and pressing against his palm rashly. Dirk gladly pumped his hand harder to match the sudden rush of necessity that had left Jake shuddering. The rhythm was becoming a lot more constant and rewarding and he could tell his partner was keenly enjoying it.</p><p>"<em>Hold on, hold on,</em>" the taller man chokedly called out.</p><p>"Don’t tell me you’re close?" Dirk laughed quietly and slowed down a bit.</p><p>"You’re such a tease… Hah, b-but no. Why don’t you—and that’s just—ah, Heavens!—a suggestion… Perhaps try frotting so that we can both—You know…?" he stuttered, unable to meet Dirk’s eyes or voice his thoughts any more coherently.</p><p>"Yeah, you got it," Dirk conceded. He drizzled some lube over his fingers and began rubbing their cocks together. It was so satisfying they both pushed their heads back at the same time.</p><p>"Sheesh… You’re skilled at this," Jake complimented.</p><p>"What, you thought I’d lost practice?"</p><p>"Unf—No. I’m <em> not </em> saying that, it’s just—It’s even better than I remember it," he admitted.</p><p>"Why, miss me much?" Dirk joked, but he didn’t expect Jake’s eyes to dart away. He was brightly flushed too.</p><p>"I…" Jake drew a blank.</p><p>"Whoa, you totally don’t have to answer that, I <em> literally </em> don’t know why I—" He scrunched up his face guiltily.</p><p>"No, I—I actually do, Dirk, I do miss you."</p><p>"Holy fuck." Dirk actually dropped his hand, which prompted Jake to release him as well.</p><p>"Does that make things lumbersome between us…? I shouldn’t have—"</p><p><strong>"</strong><b>No!</b>" There were very few things that could make Dirk lose control to the extent of his voice rising in pitch and they both knew this. They fell into a sharp—anxious—silence for some fatidic moments before Dirk continued. "Huh, I mean, not at all. It’s fine… <em> I feel the same," </em>he finished almost inaudibly.</p><p>"Sorry? I couldn’t quite hear that," Jake apologized, looking down to his feet.</p><p>"I said I feel the same. I’ve missed this. And you. A lot." Dirk felt the heat spreading throughout his body; he was as nervous as if he was confessing his undying love for Jake. In a way, he supposed he was.</p><p>"<em>Oh," </em> Jake simply said.</p><p>"Oh?" he repeated idiotically.</p><p>"So, what do we do now that we’ve asserted this…?" Jake grabbed Dirk’s wrist shyly.</p><p>"Hopefully fuck before we either die of hypothermia or our dicks fall off," Dirk proposed, resolutely taking Jake’s hands in his.</p><p>"I’d like that!"</p><p>"Yeah?" Dirk asked as Jake pulled him into his arms and let their joined hands clumsily fall to their hard-ons. It was like they were back at the start and Dirk couldn’t quite find a collected approach to express how <em> badly </em> he wanted to take the next step. "Hurry along, <em> please. </em> I love this, I really do, but can you—How do I say this… Can you finger me already? <em> Please.</em>"</p><p>"Heh, how can I refuse if you ask so politely?"</p><p>"Fuck, I’m desperate, Jake…" Dirk groaned as Jake rearranged him like he was weightless.</p><p>"I know, lambkin, <em> I know!</em>" Jake concurred, reverting to pet names as if he had never stopped using them. "This is waterproof, is it?" He asked as he grabbed the lube and presumably attempted to read the label.</p><p>"I guess—" Dirk shrugged.</p><p>He felt a long awaited cold drizzle and the familiar sensation of a fingertip making its way into his body. A hiss of fulfilled anticipation died out between their lips as they kissed. Jake was no stranger to his body and he didn’t need much time to get Dirk panting and pushing back into his fingers.</p><p>"Jake—<em>Jake…" </em> Dirk closed his eyes and sighed Jake’s name as if it was the only thing tying him to this world. "<em>Jake…" </em></p><p>"Dirk, I can’t hold out much longer—What should I do? <em> What do you want me to do?" </em> Jake asked directly into his ear. If Dirk wasn’t so gone, he’d have noticed the slightest tremor in his partner’s voice. He’d have noticed how plain-spoken he was being, as hard as it usually was for him to be. The emotional strain from keeping their distance for months was evidently making them behave in strange ways. </p><p>"<em>Please, fuck me senseless—</em>" Dirk implored once again. He felt so out of control that he couldn’t even regulate how unrestrainedly lustful he sounded. "—Also, please obviate how absolutely lame I’m being about this whole thing—God, you might be getting a serious case of second hand embarrassment, but I <em> can’t </em> stop," he confessed bashfully.</p><p>"Fat chance! Besides… <em> hearing you is making me feel hot and bothered…</em>" Jake whispered as he ripped the condom packet open and promptly put it on himself. He added some more lube to make things easier before finally pressing the tip against Dirk’s asshole and gliding in. Dirk grunted. "Are you good?" </p><p>"Swell—I mean, it’s <em> cool</em>. Doesn’t hurt," he reassured as Jake tried to meet his eyes to make sure. </p><p>He focused on relaxing his body as Jake began moving. He searched for his hands, but before he could find them, Jake had comfortably wrapped himself around him to keep him steady (which Dirk was very grateful for because his body didn’t waste a second and went numb with pleasure). He rested the back of his head on Jake’s shoulder and gave up trying to look collected; it felt too good to even have room to think and he wanted that sentiment to reach Jake, who had enduringly waited for him to leave the confines of his mind all day.</p><p>"Think you could hold up your leg a smidgen?" Jake requested.</p><p>"Like this…?" Dirk raised it slightly.</p><p>"Like <em> this," </em> Jake corrected, seizing his thigh and holding it up with an iron grip. The change of posture proved to be a good decision. The intensity peaked when Jake bucked his hips forward and started hitting all the right spots in an uninterrupted manner. Dirk was beside himself, moaning lowly as the tension in his body unraveled and gave way to ecstatic bliss. Jake was essentially supporting Dirk’s whole body weight, so it was as if he was suspended in the air, completely at his mercy. The wet slapping sound of skin and Jake’s ragged breath rattling around his skull didn’t help at all in Dirk’s descension to madness.</p><p>"Gah—<em>Shit, </em>that’s—sexy as… fuck. You can manhandle me anytime," Dirk blurted out.</p><p>It was all fun and games until an exceptionally hefty thrust made them both stagger and the slipperiness almost brought them down.</p><p><strong>"</strong><b>Hwagh</b>—!" Jake pulled out abruptly as he tried to regain his balance and slapped the wall to secure Dirk between his arms. The blond’s heart bungee jumped from sheer shock, so he didn’t make a sound as the incident came to pass before his eyes. Jake looked at him appraisingly once they were safely grounded. "<em>Fucking Dickens! </em> Are you alright? Did I hurt you somewhere?"</p><p>"No—I’m just shocked. Shower sex sure is risky business," Dirk muttered.</p><p>"What screams risqué more than the prospect of getting a concussion! In any case, I’m glad you made it unscathed—"</p><p>"Dude, I’m horny as shit. I’d appreciate it if the Universe wasn’t so against me riding your dick like there’s no tomorrow," Dirk growled.</p><p>"… Should we take this to the sofa?" Jake raised an eyebrow.</p><p>"Jake, you’re edging me so hard I might actually kick the bucket if you don’t make me cum imminently." </p><p>"Aye, aye, so let’s try the cowgirl—er, cowboy—position?"</p><p>"<em>Brilliant idea</em>, sit your ass down," Dirk intently pushed him down by the shoulders.</p><p>"You’re so cute," Jake giggled as he allowed Dirk to straddle him. "I’ll make you feel real nice," he affirmed, pressing a breezy kiss to the tip of his nose as he aligned himself to his entrance for the second—and hopefully last—time.</p><p>"There’s no way we can fall over now, so get on with it. I’d like to keep at least some of my dignity intact."</p><p>"Hehehe, you really are all blood and thunder… There I go!" He poured some more lube and plunged back into Dirk, much to his relief.</p><p><strong>"</strong><b>F—uck</b><strong>!"</strong> he uttered.</p><p>They were so agitated that nothing could get between them anymore, not even themselves. Jake’s movements became considerably rougher as he found a satisfying cadence. So much so that Dirk actually had to grab at his arms and lock his legs around him to stay on top. This was certainly straining his muscles, but he couldn’t care less at the moment. He tried getting more assertive too, capturing Jake’s bottom lip between his teeth and licking at it until they were vigorously making out, only stopping to catch their breaths when they were practically choking.</p><p>"Dirk…" Jake called out his name softly. "That feels… <em> Amazing…</em>"</p><p>"Same—<em>Ahh," </em> Dirk panted. His toes started curling and he realized he was already on the edge. "I’m <em> almost—</em>"</p><p>"M-me too… Dirk… <em> Kiss me," </em> Jake appealed. Dirk was pleased to see they were both equally zoned out and kissed him, sloppy and hard.</p><p>Jake hooked his hands around Dirk’s hips and moved him up and down to help him meet his rather inconsistent and crazed thrusts. He knocked the air out of Dirk’s lungs with every motion, so he inhaled deeply every chance he got. He was sluggishly aware of the cock throbbing inside him and he could hardly keep his eyes open, but he felt euphoric like he hadn’t in a long time.</p><p>"<em>Jake, I</em>—" He felt a sudden thrill ripple through his body and he couldn’t even warn Jake before he came all over his chest with a stifled moan. His body went soft at once and he fell to pieces like a Jenga tower, straight into Jake’s arms.</p><p>"C-can you take me until the end?" He asked. Dirk couldn’t even answer, so he just frantically nodded into his neck. He was so tender he almost couldn’t stand the friction, but Jake lunged at him a few more times and followed suit climaxing before it could get genuinely uncomfortable. "<em>Thanks…</em>"</p><p>"<em>You good? </em>"</p><p>"More like <em> great!—</em>hah… Thanks, heart’s gleam," he repeated, rubbing his face against Dirk’s like a puppy would.</p><p>They remained tightly clasped one against the other for some minutes before either of them had the sense of pulling out and sharing their post-coital bliss in a snugger fashion. The exhaustion manifested itself as the feeling died out and Dirk finally recognized how incommodious the whole ordeal had been. He still wouldn’t change it for anything.</p><p>"Remind me not to do anything remotely sexual in a shower ever again," he laughed.</p><p>"But it’s transparent to see you were <em> really </em>enjoying yourself just now…" Jake jeered.</p><p>"Dumbass—" He smacked him, but he was impossibly weak to do any damage. "My back hurts, my hips hurt, my <em> everything </em> hurts."</p><p>"Haha, those were quite the gymnastics, I admit it. And I’m chilled to the marrow."</p><p>"Hmhm," Dirk hummed in agreement, then stuffed his face in the crook of Jake’s neck. "About that thing back then—The '<em>We’ve been apparently missing the hell out of each other all this time, wah, wah, yadda'</em> thing… I feel we <em> may </em> need to talk that one out." He was compelled to throw in an "<em>eventually</em>" to make it sound less final, but he quieted down instead. He didn’t want it to become one of those moments where he pressured Jake into doing things he probably didn’t want to do in the first place.</p><p>"—Agreed." Jake didn’t even hesitate, which was just one more surprising thing to add to the growing pile of things Dirk didn’t expect of him. "But for now we need to get warm and clean." He looked down to the sticky mess on his chest to make a point.</p><p>"<em>Oops. </em> Yeah, sorry about that," Dirk blushed.</p><p>"It doesn’t bother me! Say—Can I kiss you?" Jake leaned closer.</p><p>"If you wanna…" Dirk coughed awkwardly.</p><p>Their lips met in the shakiest—most caring—kiss Dirk could remember. They spent some more minutes simply basking in each other’s company as the water returned the heat to their cheeks. Dirk felt that maybe putting a name to what they had wasn’t all that important if their bodies were able to say it instead.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. V</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A couple of years flew by quickly.</p><p>Dirk had walked Jake home after the opening night of RUMBLE IN DA PUMPKIN PATCH (their brand new television project) and—without really knowing how he had ended up in that predicament—he was currently taking a shower at his ridiculously posh bathroom in his disgustingly opulent mansion while the man himself was slouched over the toilet, puking his guts out. It served him right; he had started drinking the minute they had set foot at the party and Dirk—who hated parties with a burning passion—had been forced to do damage control <em> all </em> night.</p><p>The blond thought he might as well rack up Jake’s water bill for a bit for the inconvenience. Not that he’d mind; he was basically swimming in money. </p><p>To his surprise Jake still had an assortment of hair products he had left behind when they had broken up for the tenth time (not that he kept count). He brushed his finger against the labels, reminiscing about simpler—if not happier—moments with Jake. He decided to let his hair fall naturally; he didn’t have time for mushiness. </p><p>He faced the water and felt the world evaporate around him for some blissful moments. He really needed that, to take the plug out and cool down his mind. Life was getting duller and—without any imminent danger or life or death situation to keep him on his toes—Dirk had too much time to himself. And he knew he could only keep his self-destructive tendencies at bay for so long.</p><p>"Dirk?" Jake’s drowsy voice pierced the bubble before Dirk could completely disengage with his surroundings.</p><p>"Hang on, be there in a second," he sighed.</p><p>He wringed out his hair lightly, wrapped a towel around his waist and came out of the tub. Jake was still sitting there; his head was resting on the toilet seat and he looked absolutely defeated and miserable, but overall better. Dirk was awed that he could look so good even in his current condition. He had tossed his tank top aside at some point to reveal a perfectly chiseled chest. His skin proudly flashed old faded scars and some brand new holster marks and his hair was in an exquisite—premeditated looking—disarray. His glasses were nowhere to be found, but his eyes still lit up when he noticed Dirk.</p><p><strong>"</strong><b>Blasted Christ on a bike!</b><strong>"</strong> he exclaimed.</p><p>"<em>What?</em>"</p><p>"Your eyes! They’re—They’re <em> remarkably orange </em> tonight. Not to speak of your <em> hair—</em>"</p><p>"Bro, quit embarrassing yourself," he cut him off. "How are you feeling?"</p><p>"Quite frankly? Like death," he admitted.</p><p>"You smell like it too." The blond dodged him to reach for a green toothbrush—which was flanked by an orange one in a decidedly painful domestic scene—and held it out to him. "Here."</p><p>
  
</p><p>He waited as the other brushed his teeth and handed him a bathroom tumbler so that he could rinse his mouth when he was done. He thought he heard a "thanks" in response, but it was hard to tell. He cleaned and refilled the glass and coerced Jake into drinking some water to alleviate the hangover that was surely laying in wait.</p><p>"Scoot over," he gestured to join him on the floor.</p><p>"So…" Jake started awkwardly, rearranging himself for Dirk to sit more comfortably.</p><p>"So."</p><p>"What a gala, hm?" he finally said, dragging his words with difficulty. Dirk nodded.</p><p>"We really handed some asses back there at the arena, both lyrically and corporeally speaking, huh? If your plump posterior serving and a roadside lemonade stand had anything in common it would be the mob of devotees in line to get a taste of that sweet, <em> sweet </em> juice."</p><p>"Yeah, tell me about it! A man would have thought the success of a show depended on the quality of its stunts or the convolutedness of its script, but a man might not have been considering all the facts," Jake drunkedly sputtered.</p><p>"Which are?" Dirk went along.</p><p>"The people love ass," Jake raised his index finger as if it was a matter of vital importance.</p><p>"I would have to differ, the people love <em> your </em>ass," Dirk corrected.</p><p>Jake laughed and gave him a strange look that seemed to convey both anxiety and want. He grabbed the blond without warning and pulled him into a rather subdued kiss. Dirk didn’t respond badly, or even much at all, until the brunette had to ruin it by pulling him into his lap and sliding his <em> awfully </em> cold hands under the towel to cup his ass. He didn’t get off him, but he did slap his hands away and pushed him back to ensure their eyes were level before he spoke.</p><p>"Dude, <em> no</em>. We’re not doing this while you’re hammered out of your wits. It’s just not happening."</p><p>"Goodness gracious. <em> Fine, </em> old sport! Gee…" He held his hands up apologetically. "What about some good old spooning? Just two bosom buddies getting into each other’s personal space <em> platonically?"</em> Jake’s attempts at being snarky were infuriating at best, if that was what those were, anyway. </p><p>"You’re seriously pissing me off, Jake." He rolled over to put some distance between them. It was too easy to feel patronized in Jake’s huge arms. "You think you can mess with my feelings and that I will just go along with it like it doesn’t hurt? Well shit, news flash, it does. It hurts." For once, Dirk chose to be honest. What good would it do with a drunkard for a listener, anyway?</p><p>"Well, I don’t get it," Jake mumbled to himself. "I was sure you’d taken me home because you wanted to engage in a snog of sorts," he finished with misplaced meekness. Dirk scoffed in disbelief.</p><p>"I took you home because I didn’t want you crashing your car or freezing your <em> tiny ass </em> shorts off in the streets. Man, I’m not as scummy as you think." </p><p>"Dirk, I don’t think you are! At all! I guess I didn’t put my best foot forward just now. What I meant to say is—Shoot, why am I having so much trouble finding the right words?—What I meant to say is that I might have been expecting something to happen… because in spite of myself and our <em> mutual </em>agreement to bust up our metaphorical marriage in pursuance of keeping things buddy-buddy and professional… I still—"</p><p>"Don’t give me that shit, we’ve been over this. Don't say anything you’d regret saying to me when you’re sober," he interrupted, refusing to listen to another word of it. Try as he might, he could no longer suppress the anger that was building up inside him like steam in a high-pressure locomotive boiler. </p><p>"But I wouldn’t! Regret it, that is. It’s something I’ve been giving some thought to lately, you know… Us becoming an item again. If you’d listen—"</p><p>"Jake, I don’t know how to spell it out for you anymore, but you’re <em> really </em>hurting me and I wish you’d stop," Dirk choked. Jake was being incredibly unfair, making use of the influence of the alcohol to say things Dirk could only wish he could be so direct about. How many times would he have to open up his heart for it to be shattered? It was starting to take a toll on him; ultimately there was a reason he felt safer behind a mask. He watched Jake rub his eyes as if it was getting harder for him to concentrate. Or maybe he was frustrated too, but how could he discern if it was the intoxication talking or his genuine feelings?</p><p>"I’m sorry," Jake said in a tiny and croaky voice. He intently stared at his knees, like he was scared of their gazes meeting or their thighs coming into contact.</p><p>Their shared history seemed to flash right before Dirk’s eyes. He saw himself steamrolling into Jake’s life and goading him into staying with him out of the sheer familiarity of it. He also saw himself closing off, keeping Jake at an arm’s length because he figured it would be best for them both. Rinse and repeat over the years. </p><p>And even now that Jake was trying to lay his feelings on the table—again, as drunk as he was—he had shut him off because he didn’t think he deserved to walk that particular path of redemption. He convinced himself that he had brainwashed the guy into believing the words he was saying. They could simply not be true; they had to be a desperate product of his love starved, machinating mind. It felt too twisted even by his standards, but he had always found comfort in bastardizing reality beyond recognition. </p><p>All this he considered as he watched Jake apologize on the brink of tears, yet when he found the words in his throat, they came harsher than they had any business being.</p><p>"Like dick you are." He didn’t even mean it. Jake was visibly shocked. "Fuck, sorry, that’s not what I wanted to say at all—<b><em>Fuck</em>.</b>" </p><p>There was a suffocating pause before Dirk gathered himself and talked again. </p><p>"If you really—If you really mean any of that, let’s talk about it in the morning when your head is clearer, okay?" It took all of his strength to soften his tone, but Jake didn’t answer. He had started rubbing his chest distractedly. "<em>Jake?"</em></p><p>"Eh? Ah, yes. Let’s do that. It’s just—I truly am sorry about how things turned out between us, Dirk. I never meant to hurt you and I guess I never even realized to what extent you were suffering in silence… I think—this is possibly the first time I’ve actually heard the words '<em>you’re hurting me</em>' come out of your mouth. It feels like a slap in the face, in an eye-opening sort of way, I mean." His fingers became fidgety as he opened up. "I reckon I ought to apologize about tonight properly too, I behaved like a complete tool."</p><p>"Jake, I appreciate you trying your hand at this 'being honest' line-of-action <em> thingy; </em> I really do. But… Tomorrow, <em> please. </em> I don’t think I can do the same in return right now," Dirk reminded gently, bringing a hand to his temple and peeping at Jake from his hideout.</p><p>"Yeah, okay," he acceded. For the first time in what had felt like an eternity, he turned to face him. "Tomorrow."</p><p>They sat in silence for some minutes. It was by no stretch resolved or comfortable, but it was notably less hostile.</p><p>"You’re in pain, right? All that vomiting must have been hard on you," Dirk broke the silence.</p><p>"—For all intents and purposes I think I’m done with it, shooting the cat. But it’s <em> so </em> tight in my chest—I should really have taken the boozing down a notch… I’m downright exhausted," Jake confessed. He looked the part, too.</p><p>"Hm," Dirk hummed. He huddled closer and forcibly wedged himself between Jake and the wall, placing a hand on either of his shoulders.</p><p>"What are you—?" Jake started.</p><p>"Sorry, I figured I’d give you a massage. I don’t know jack shit, but it might help. Is it no good?" Dirk inquired.</p><p>"Oh, no, no, it’s all good… <em> Thanks</em>." And even though he couldn’t see Jake’s face, Dirk swore he could actually hear him smiling.</p><p>Jake relaxed into the touch and let out a soft sigh when Dirk started kneading his chest as soothingly as he possibly could. His fingers followed the swirls of dark hair in circles and lightly rubbed down his sternum before going back to press down his pecs. He also dug his thumbs along the base of his neck and his collarbone. It was in no way a proper massage, but it was comforting and everything Jake needed of him at that moment.</p><p>
  
</p><p>"We should acknowledge your drinking problem at some point too, but I’m not about to get on your back about it." Dirk spoke softly, feeling like they were too close for his regular tone.</p><p>"I know. Funnily enough—I've been thinking about it," Jake agreed. "Maybe I should go nag Roxy, but she and I haven’t been as tight recently and the least I’d want is to impose. What, with my proneness to hijack the focus of the conversation and all. Anyhow, she looks as pleased as Punch in her little nest with Callie, what brute would have it in him to barge in and babble about his dipsomania? You know how it goes." He paused and Dirk wondered if he should stop him, but didn’t. "Come to think of it, things have been hectic lately, haven’t they? It’s like we can’t find a moment to get together with our friends and catch up. Haha. I’m aware it’s no excuse, but—It sure feels like we’re growing apart. Even you and I—as we sit together on this bathroom floor—don’t hang out much outside of work these days, do we?" He was still smiling when a tear slipped down his face and landed on Dirk’s hand.</p><p>"Shit. Hey, man," Dirk stopped caressing him at once, he felt his heart sink to his stomach. </p><p>"D-dang it. I know you said to talk tomorrow—and I know it’s silly of me to be saying such things, but for some reason I feel like I’m running out of time to tell you." Jake let his tears stream freely, like he wasn’t even aware he was crying.</p><p>"Jake…" The blond pulled Jake into a hug just as a sob caught up to his silent tears. "Godammit, I thought it’d be best if I kept my distance from you so that you’d be <em> free </em> from my influence once and for all, but I guess I don’t really possess the resolve to leave you," Dirk’s voice cracked.</p><p>"Has it—Has it ever occured to you that I might not want that?" Jake asked. "That maybe what I want is to be with you?" he finished, sloping down to hide from Dirk’s scrutiny, as if a man of his size didn’t stand out virtually everywhere. "Please say something…" </p><p>"I’m at a loss here; I don’t know what to say. Don’t know what to <em> think," </em> Dirk confessed; he was so appalled, he couldn’t articulate another word. Instead he kissed Jake’s head before burying his face in it, hoping that the uncanny mix of—mostly positive—emotions he was feeling would reach him somehow. He tightened his embrace and Jake squeezed back until they were essentially pressed together.</p><p>"I’ll repeat it tomorrow and as many times as your thick skull needs to hear it, but I’ll be damned if I don’t say it this instant. I love you, Dirk Strider." The brunette spoke so quietly (and nasally) against his shoulder that Dirk almost couldn’t hear him, but at the same time he had never heard anything so clearly. </p><p>"I love you too, Jake…" He gritted his teeth, trying to keep the pain and the doubt from poisoning the unfamiliar—yet heartfelt—frankness between them, because at that point even he couldn’t pretend that the alcohol was accountable for Jake’s feelings. Yes, he believed it; Jake loved him too. But would he remember any of it when the sun rose? Did they have anything to go back to if he did? Would he be forced to pretend nothing had happened if he didn’t? "I love you more than I can say, more than I deserve you."</p><p>"Don’t go deciding that on your own, <em>you dingbat!</em> Who said you ought to <em>deserve me </em>to love me? I’m not a trophy to claim and you’re not the tragic figure you have set yourself up to be!" Jake snapped, much to Dirk’s shock. "That's the problem with you; you never <b><em>see</em></b> what’s in front of you because you thrive in your misery to the extreme that you take the most self-destructive scenarios in your head as the <em>truth</em> and expect everyone to magically read your mind and give you a stamp of approval! '<em>Golly, Dirk, you are smack-dab right to be a friggin’ twat!</em><em>'</em> said no one <em>ever.</em> Get out of your head or off your mighty high horse or whatever the heck and just <em>tell me!</em> Tell me how you feel, <b>tell me what you want</b>! Don’t estrange me and insist it’s for my own good when you haven’t even asked me!" By the end of his impromptu lecture he was breathless and shaking like a leaf. Dirk couldn’t remember if he’d seen him this angry before.</p><p>"That was… That was incredibly spot on. I can’t shoot the shit full of holes if said shit’s bank vault levels of <em> bullet proofed </em> and I’m grade A levels of <em> properly schooled. </em> All this to say I’m guilty as charged of everything you said… and I’m sorry for being a self-righteous bitch,” Dirk apologized, pressing his forehead to Jake’s back.</p><p>"Don’t you dare use me to make a case of your self-loathing on top of everything else because I will throw a wobbler. And <em> that’s a threat!"</em> Jake half spoke, half screamed. It was actually scary.</p><p>"Sorry, let me rephrase that. I love you and I want to be with you—I <em> really </em> do,” he started. Jake nodded to let him know he was listening. "But I’m afraid—No, I’m scared shitless of things resetting to default like they always do. I’m afraid of many things, actually, owing to the fact that I’m a coward and I can’t be as honest as you're being. And you not being on your best faculties right now is definitely not helping, because if you forget what you’ve just told me… I don’t think I could take that."</p><p>"Then refresh my memory if I do, Dirk! It’s true—It’s true I’m tipsy and all yakety-yak, but I’m serious when I say I love you. That’s not going away. Not now, not tomorrow."</p><p>"But if you love me and I love you, then who’s flying this plane?" The atmosphere was so consequential that Dirk couldn’t help resorting to playing the fool as a defense mechanism.</p><p>"Don’t be silly," Jake interjected so grimly that Dirk wondered if he was about to tell him off <em> again </em> (being outmaneuvered three times in a row by a drunkard was undoubtedly a dab to his pride, as well-spoken as this one turned out to be). Instead, he casually said. "I think it crashed already."</p><p>Dirk snorted and Jake craned his neck to sneak a glance at him. He had an exhausted smile on his lips, his nose was runny and his eyes were very much swollen from crying. Dirk felt the urge to comfort him in some way, he tilted Jake’s face with two fingers and his breath hitched.</p><p>"We should really get out of—" Dirk cut himself off when he realized Jake was blatantly staring at his lips. "Uh? You okay?"</p><p>"Bloody Norah, I was under the impression you were going to kiss me. I got heart palpitations and all…" he admitted, clutching his chest embarrassedly. "Don’t fret, I got the memo on inebriated chirpsing and romantic overtures…" he was quick to brush it off. "But would you give me <em> just </em>one kiss if I asked nicely, after all?"</p><p>"You really are something else."</p><p>"A tiny little favor for this poor clueless fella?" he pushed. "Pretty please?"</p><p>"This 'fella' is <em> anything </em> but poor or clueless. Mr. Policeman, I think this evil-doer here might be trying to swindle me. He’s probably a tax evader, also," Dirk fooled about.</p><p>"Well? Your answer?" Jake pouted. He was not about to give up, apparently.</p><p>"<em>Fine, </em>come get it already." He submitted to Jake’s charms. He supposed one kiss couldn’t hurt; besides, the brunette looked positively beamy. He planted an extremely toned down kiss on the corner of his mouth and then another livelier one on his lips. "There, that one is on the house."</p><p>"Hehe, thank you, good sir." Jake squeezed his hands contentedly.</p><p>"And now, <em> as I was saying, </em> we should get you to bed. You’re going to catch a cold." Dirk rubbed Jake’s arms a couple of times to get him warm and made as if to rise, but Jake grabbed his pinky finger to stop him.</p><p>"Dirk, can we stay like this for a bit longer?" he asked. "You know, in case the nausea returns and I have to…"</p><p>"Didn’t you say you were done with that? There’s no way you’re not being difficult just to spite me."</p><p>"I’m not! What about this, the thing you were doing earlier—The massage. Can you do it again?" It was obvious and endearing to Dirk that Jake was trying hard to come up with an excuse for him to stay.</p><p>"You’re making me feel like a dad who’s spoiling his little brat who lied about having a fever to skip school and play video games at home all day. And it’s not the sexy kind of dad," Dirk sighed. He didn’t even have to look to know Jake was making puppy eyes at him. The idiot didn’t even notice he did it. "If we’re gonna have a slumber party in your bathroom floor, at least let me grab a towel; it’s cold as shit."</p><p>"You’re the best bro I could ask for." Jake offered him a huge—toothy—smile that was almost contagious.</p><p>"No joke. Ring up the Pope, I deserve to be beatified. <em> Dirk Strider, patron saint of drunkards and lost causes.</em>" Dirk rolled his eyes. He picked up some towels at random from the rack and when he turned to Jake he was met with two open arms inviting him into a snuggle. "No massage? Thought so."</p><p>"So what if I lied to get you to stay with me? I’m only guilty of the good I didn’t do," Jake argued.</p><p>"You scheming bastard." Dirk passed Jake one of the towels and plopped down between his legs, using the rest to build a little warm nest all around them. "This will do," Dirk shrugged. </p><p>Jake nodded into his hair and held him tightly like he was a lifeline high at sea. A comfortable silence settled between them as the minutes went by and their slowly rising body temperature sent them into a peaceful half sleep.  </p><p>"Hey, Dirk?" Jake buzzed drowsily.</p><p>"Hm?" Dirk made a vaguely acknowledging sound.</p><p>"I don’t want to doze-off without at least thanking you," he declared.</p><p>"All’s well, man," Dirk smiled.</p><p>"And I also want to say that I love you… and that I <em> love </em> you," Jake dipped his head thoughtfully. He was so tired that he didn’t even realize he was saying the same thing twice.</p><p>"So basically that you really, <em> really </em> love me, right?" Dirk teased.</p><p>"<em>Right</em>—Whatever do you mean?" he asked.</p><p>"Nothing. I’ll say it back when you’re not drunk or sleep-talking. Or both. Good night, Jake."</p><p>"Hmmm, nighty-night," he answered automatically. Not even five seconds later he was sleeping soundly.</p><p>Dirk tugged at Jake’s towel so that they were both bundled up in it and shut his eyes. There was no sound aside from their breaths and he felt pleasantly naked and cherished in Jake’s arms. He got cold feet and fingers at night, but Jake was like a human heater and he could borrow some of his warmth and the comfort of his weight. </p><p>He recalled their conversation earlier and wondered if he’d have the courage to bring any of it up in the morning, but oddly enough he didn’t feel defeated. A fluttering sensation in his stomach refused to die out and the future looked a little less dull. He fell asleep to Jake’s heartbeat and a blissful emptiness in his mind.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>